i hope

I hope you wake up at five in the morning every once in awhile to watch the sunrise and eat crepes with the people you love.

I hope you travel the world, that you get lost in cities so far away from and so different than your home, that you find a cafe in that place and just take a moment to take it all in, to watch the people passing on the street and notice how the setting sun makes dancing shadows on the buildings across the way.

  I hope you fall in love, and that it's the most beautiful and painful thing you've ever felt. I hope you stay up late thinking about that special someone, not because you're worried that they don't love you back, but because you're sure they do and that scares the hell out of you.

I hope that sometimes you sit on a deserted beach with your closest friends, that you start a fire and pass around a bottle of wine and dance in the wet sand until the bottom of your socks are soaked.

I hope you listen to that one song on repeat at least fifteen times because it touches your heart in a way that most songs don't, and that it makes you think about your life and helps you put things into perspective.

I hope you open up to others, that you continue to trust, no matter how many times you've been betrayed, that you continue to love, despite the times you've been broken.

I hope you don't take life too seriously, that sometimes you can stop questioning everything and just live already. Life goes quickly, make sure you're still on the same page. 

But most of all, I hope that you're living the life you want to be, and that if you're not, that you can find the courage to change it into something closer resembling what it is that you'd like your life to look like. Most of all, I just hope you're happy. Because life is wild and you deserve to be.  

 ---

 Something I wrote for myself and the people I love late last night. I've been so inspired to write these past couple of days since I've been in Ireland. I can't wait to share more when I get home, but I only have two days left of this trip, so I'm gonna go enjoy it while it's still here.

summer back home

I guess I sort of forgot to mention it on here, but after graduation, I moved to Vancouver where I joined my family who had been living there since the beginning of June. I've missed my hometown and all of my friends like nothing else, so last week, I made the trek back home for eight glorious days of friends, family, sunshine, and blue skies, and it could not have been better.

Since I only had a limited amount of time, and so many things I wanted to do and people I wanted to see, my days were full and busy, in the best way possible.

From skinny dipping in the middle of the night to just sitting and talking for hours on end, to Starbucks dates and lake days, to swimming in the river, from family barbecues and birthday celebrations, to sleepovers and walks around town, these past eight days have been the epitome of summer. There hasn't been a single night that I've gone to bed feeling anything less than completely fulfilled, and that's a dang good feeling.

I can't wait to see what the rest of the summer brings. Tomorrow, well technically later today, I guess, I'm off to Dublin (!!!), and August is full of friends and adventure, so I have a pretty good feeling about it.

My heart is full.

tonight i am grateful

 

I sit here on a warm Wednesday evening in the beginning of summer. Outside of the sliding glass window that takes up an entire wall of my bedroom, the sun is starting to lower itself behind the mountains, leaving a warm glow over everything as far as the naked eye can see, and tonight, I am grateful.

I'm grateful for the people I've met in my life, and everything that those friendships have led to. I'm grateful for the friends that let me cry on their shoulders, for the hugs, the talks, the love I feel from them. These are the people who have made every day something new and exciting, every obstacle bearable. These are the people I drive around with for hours on end when we have no place to go and no place to be. They're the ones who bring me Starbucks when I'm sad or text me out of the blue saying the nicest things. They're what I think of when I think of home, and I am grateful for them.

I'm grateful for all of the places I've been and all of the things I have done. I'm grateful for the courage to travel on my own, and all of the adventures that it has resulted in. For dancing the night away in the beer tents at Oktoberfest or walking around Vienna's city center in the middle of the night. I'm grateful I'm able to do the things that so many people can only ever dream of, and I'm grateful for all of the things I've yet to do. 

I'm grateful for emotions, as much as they can suck sometimes. I'm grateful for them, because they mean I'm alive. I'm grateful for the ability to heal all those times I thought I was broken beyond repair, and I'm grateful for the moments when everything aligns perfectly and I realize how fortunate I really am. I'm grateful for the times I've had my heart broken, and for still being able to love despite them. Yes, I'm grateful for emotions, even the ones that hurt. 

I'm grateful for music, and the things it makes me feel. For the connection I have between certain songs and certain moments, and how I can always count on them to bring me back to a certain time and place. 

I'm grateful for the mountains and the ocean, for having such easy access to both, just minutes from my home. I'm grateful for the comfort I find in them, and for how I can always count on them to make me feel small in a world so big and full of wonder.

I'm grateful for so much more, too, but tonight, this is what I'm grateful for.

summer things

Summer has arrived, quite some time ago now, and it has been full of all of the things that it should be. Beautiful sunsets from our 13th floor apartment, kayaking in the sea, picnics on the beach, a trip to Victoria for my best friend's birthday, driving around with the windows down, ice cream from the corner store, snacks from the bakery, sitting by the pier, roasting marshmallows in the fire, watching the ocean's waves, donut runs in the middle of the night, the list goes on.

I have big plans for this summer, and I'm excited to see how they play out. 

graduating is tough

"Maybe this would have been easier if I had been asleep, she said.

Maybe.

Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so good, either."

I stumbled upon the above words a couple of days ago and haven't stopped thinking about them since. They so perfectly describe all of my current thoughts and feelings in a way that no other words have been able to.

I feel like my emotions are at an all-time high right now. I'm feeling so much at once and it's somehow both absolutely terrible and incredible at the same time.

The past three years since I moved here and started going to ND have been playing through my mind on constant repeat. Certain events and moments more than others, but I feel as if I'm slowly going through the past three years and reliving all of it.

Graduating is tough. In a way, I almost wish I didn't have such a good time so it wouldn't be so hard to let it go now that it's over. It hurts. It hurts to leave such an incredible part of my life behind. It hurts to say goodbye to the people who have done so much to help me get to where I am. It hurts to close one door and step through another, one that isn't clearly labeled, one that could truly take me anywhere. It hurts, but it hurts so good, too. 

Whatever these next few years bring, I know it will be good, but that doesn't diminish the fear.

bits and pieces

---

I'm glad I'm not afraid of the world. I'm glad it hasn't scared me out of living. I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago about travel and adventure and spontaneity, and she told me that she was afraid of living, that she was in constant fear of something going wrong. I told her that I didn't understand, and I'm so glad that I don't. 

---

Sometimes, on nights like tonight, when the sky is clear and the air is cool, I just want to escape. Escape school and work and all of the responsibilities that threaten to swallow me whole. I stare at the sky that's sometimes dotted with stars and breathe in that fresh late-winter air and feel my troubles being lifted one at a time. That test tomorrow? Those things I regret? They disappear somewhere in the sky just as I dream to. 

---

He was the kind of trouble I had been looking for. The taste of smoke on his breath was comforting somehow, but also a startling reminder of the kind of person he is, the kind of person I was willing to become to be with him. His hand on my cheek was soft and gentle, mirroring the qualities in him that I was so desperate for everyone else to see. His tall build made me feel safe and secure while every other part of him threatened to tear me apart. It’s funny how someone can have that kind of power over you. 

---

I feel like sometimes people excuse our faults because they say that it's just who we are. And they say that if that's the way we are, then we shouldn't have to change it. But just because that's who we are now doesn't mean that's who we always have to be. 

---

Bits and pieces of unfinished thoughts, mostly things I try to make sense of but never get very far. 

what i'll miss // what i'll remember

I'll miss lunches in the hallways. The hallway itself has changed every year, but it's always the same. Our backs against the lockers, our feet tangled together, we sit and talk as long as we can, until the bell rings and signals the end of our socializing, and the beginning of a class. We stand up, dust off our legs, go to our lockers, grab our things, and head to class. But those lunches in the hallways? They were full of laughter. Always. And those forty odd minutes of socializing between classes? They were good.

I'll miss the way the students flood into the halls like a dam that's just been broken. The second the bell rings, doors are opened and kids flood the halls within seconds.

I'll miss the way the windows howled in the fall, the cool air that seeped through them in the winter, the pitter-patter of rain a constant background noise in the spring, and the warm, muggy air in the summer.

I'll miss the social events every weekend, the group messages full of invites in my inbox. A barbecue at Julia's, a movie night or bonfire at Kelsie's, dinner at our favourite restaurants, trips to the mountain, trips to the beach, coffee dates, ice cream dates, parties, camping trips, I'll miss all of it.

---

I'll remember that one Friday night, just after the first semester had finished. A good amount of my favourite people were all in one place, huddling around the fire that took us over an hour to start. The wood was wet, and the ground had a layer of frost over it, but we threw more and more of our old homework onto the flames until the wood finally gave in and slowly turned to embers. An hour in, Marshal brought out the guitar. He sang and played some of his original music, then each of us started to make requests -- Skinny Love, The A Team, Down in the Valley, Rivers and Roads -- and all sang along as we looked between the crackling fire, each other, and the stars. After a couple more hours, it started to get cold and Kelsie disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a pile of blankets. It was probably somewhere around four hours in when people started to leave and we put the fire out to go inside. I remember spending a good part of that night thinking, "this is what I want to remember, this is what grad year is all about".

I'll remember the mini-party at my house the weekend my parents were in Hawaii. The jello shots I arranged into patterns and the snow on the ground outside. I'll remember gathering everyone and posing for pictures on the couch and using the last four polaroid pictures in the pack within the span of two minutes because that night seemed worthy of it. I'll remember Tatum making Mr. Noodles for everyone and the moment the toque fell in the toilet, and the mess I had to clean up the next day.

I'll remember prom night. The dancing, the socializing, the smiling, all of the compliments and complimenting and the abundance of pictures. I'll remember the after party and that kiss and partying until the sun came up.  I'll remember the feeling I had the next day, a feeling of, "that couldn't have gone better".

---

So here's to the nights we won't remember, and the nights we'd rather forget. To the nights we drank a little too much, or put our hearts into the wrong hands. Here's to the nights we kissed the wrong boys then worried about it for days later. Here's to the nights we loved and were loved, the nights when our hearts were full of trust. Here's to the nights of walking and talking, the nights of crying and screaming, the nights of laughter. Here's to the nights we made mistakes, and to the nights we didn't. Here's to the nights we messed up in the most perfect and horrible ways. 

Here's to the nights of high school, to the nights that have done so much to define us. Here's to them, because we wouldn't change them if we could.

prom

So prom was last night.

I've been anticipating prom day since the very beginning of the school year. Prom is a big deal around here, and it was something we were all over the moon excited to attend.

I didn't really know what to expect for the night. I had some expectations, but not many, and I can honestly say that everything was so much better and more magical than I ever could have imagined.

From photos at the waterfront, to the dinner and dancing (oh, the dancing!), to the photo booth, the candy bar, the slushie machines, and the fake casino, every little moment and detail was absolutely incredible. Not to mention the after party later that night, the most perfect prom kiss, partying until the sun came up (quite literally), and spending such a good night with such good people.

Also! I may have had the best prom date anyone could ever ask for. There is nothing better than sharing good times with good friends, and I'm so grateful to have had Tanner by my side on this special night.

Prom, you were so, so good to me. I won't be forgetting you anytime soon.