a mishmash of words

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December 23rd, 2012 - 9:18 pm

I'm always amazed of how music and books can make me feel. I remember reading a quote once that said something along the lines of people being made up of the books they read and the music they listen to, alongside other things such as the people you surround yourself with and the places you've been, and these words ring so true to me. I have quotes from books and lyrics memorized, constantly being replayed through my head. The thing about books and music is that they're more than just entertainment. They change your views and thoughts. They make you think differently and teach you new things. Most books that I've read, at least the good ones, have each added something different to help build me. I've learned about love and loss and friendship and life. Different books have offered me different things. Whether it's a small piece of knowledge or a new view on life, every book that I've read is somewhere inside of me. And I like that idea. The more books a person reads, the more they learn, the more they analyze, the smarter they become. 

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December 23rd, 2012 - 10:27 pm

I sit here with a blank screen, a mind full of thoughts, and music in my ears - just loud enough to hear, but quiet enough to think. I oftentimes have so many thoughts going through my mind that I can't properly focus on what I want to right about. It normally ends with me ranting about how wonderful life is and how happiness is a choice and how, if you really work at it, you can achieve your wildest dreams. I think the reason that my writing always steers in that direction, is because it's what I believe. It sounds like a silly thing to complain about, but it's so hard being happy in a world of sorrow. All I want to do is shake people and tell them that they're missing the point. I want to tell them that happiness is something you work towards. I want to tell them that they need to look at all of the little things that are causing them pain and tell them that they won't let them define them. I want to tell them how wonderful and beautiful and incredible it is just to be alive. How we're in an age where so many things are possible, where so many opportunities have presented themselves. I want them to realize that life is what you make it. I want them to be happy. And I don't know how to help them achieve that.

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December 27th, 2012 - 3:45 pm

Do you ever sit down and think about how quickly this life of ours passes? Because I do. Feeling nostalgic is one thing, but knowing that memories and feelings are something of the past that you aren't able to recreate, no matter how much you want to, is something entirely different. Sometimes I'm okay with time and how quickly it passes. But sometimes I'm not. If I sit down and actually think about it, I can feel a great big ache in my heart for something that I'll never have again. I think of myself in ten or twenty years from now and wonder what I'll feel like then. I'll be even older then. With even more memories and feelings to look back on and feel nostalgic about. I guess I just have to learn how to accept that time doesn't stop for anybody. 

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December 29th, 2012 - 7:12 pm

"I'm so excited,", I say. "For what?", they ask. "For life. For everything." 

That little conversation above, or something along those lines, is a common occurrence between my friends and I. I'll write out lists and make plans and do research on places I want to go and I start to get excited about the beautiful life that I'm building for myself. I love always having something to look forward to. I love that I'm able to make my future what I want it to be. I don't have to follow certain guidelines or worry about whether or not I'm doing things right. There are so many opportunities and so many adventures to be had. There's a blank canvas, an empty journal, and photo albums to be filled, and I can fill them in whichever way I want to. And if that isn't something to be excited about, then I don't know what is. 

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January 9th, 2013 - 9:54 pm

You know when you start to realize things about yourself and wonder how you never saw it before? Like how reading Perks made me realize how much I wonder about strangers and whether or not they're happy. Or how when a friend pointed out that I'm always excited about something and I realized that it's because there's always something to be excited about. 

I don't know if this is a usual thing, but I really enjoy learning more about myself. I'm way too complex for even myself to understand, and I find that exciting. 

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January 11th, 2013 - 5:40 pm

It's been one of those days. Not a bad one, but not a good one either. With little bad things here and little good things there all added up to a whole lot of nothingness. I was sitting in math class today and noticed big giant scars on the inside of one of my classmates wrists. I looked up at her and she had a smile on her face and I couldn't help but wonder whether or not she's happy. I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of that class. I kept looking at each of my classmates and wondered what they have to be upset about. I wondered if any of them are going through relationship problems or family problems or stupid high school drama. I looked at people I only know by name, people who's names I'm not even sure of, and my friends, and I wondered if they truly, deep down, are happy. I hope they are. I really, really hope they are, but worrying so much about other peoples happiness is starting to rob me of my own. 

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January 13th, 2013 - 7:44 pm

I have so many feelings right now. I feel like crying, but I don't quite know why. I feel like having a life talk with someone who I don't know very well because those are always nice. I feel like maybe the future won't be so bad, that maybe it will even be something that I'll one day be able to look in the face without being absolutely terrified. I just don't know. It's hard to express how you're feeling when you're really not quite sure.