24 June 2014

graduating is tough

"Maybe this would have been easier if I had been asleep, she said.
Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so good, either."

I stumbled upon the above words a couple of days ago and haven't stopped thinking about them since. They so perfectly describe all of my current thoughts and feelings in a way that no other words have been able to.

I feel like my emotions are at an all-time high right now. I'm feeling so much at once and it's somehow both absolutely terrible and incredible at the same time.

The past three years since I moved here and started going to ND have been playing through my mind on constant repeat. Certain events and moments more than others, but I feel as if I'm slowly going through the past three years and reliving all of it.

Graduating is tough. In a way, I almost wish I didn't have such a good time so it wouldn't be so hard to let it go now that it's over. It hurts. It hurts to leave such an incredible part of my life behind. It hurts to say goodbye to the people who have done so much to help me get to where I am. It hurts to close one door and step through another, one that isn't clearly labeled, one that could truly take me anywhere. It hurts, but it hurts so good, too. 

Whatever these next few years bring, I know it will be good, but that doesn't diminish the fear.

19 June 2014

bits and pieces

I'm glad I'm not afraid of the world. I'm glad it hasn't scared me out of living. I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago about travel and adventure and spontaneity, and she told me that she was afraid of living, that she was in constant fear of something going wrong. I told her that I didn't understand, and I'm so glad that I don't. 

Sometimes, on nights like tonight, when the sky is clear and the air is cool, I just want to escape. Escape school and work and all of the responsibilities that threaten to swallow me whole. I stare at the sky that's sometimes dotted with stars and breathe in that fresh late-winter air and feel my troubles being lifted one at a time. That test tomorrow? Those things I regret? They disappear somewhere in the sky just as I dream to. 

He was the kind of trouble I had been looking for. The taste of smoke on his breath was comforting somehow, but also a startling reminder of the kind of person he is, the kind of person I was willing to become to be with him. His hand on my cheek was soft and gentle, mirroring the qualities in him that I was so desperate for everyone else to see. His tall build made me feel safe and secure while every other part of him threatened to tear me apart. It’s funny how someone can have that kind of power over you. 

I feel like sometimes people excuse our faults because they say that it's just who we are. And they say that if that's the way we are, then we shouldn't have to change it. But just because that's who we are now doesn't mean that's who we always have to be. 

Bits and pieces of unfinished thoughts, mostly things I try to make sense of but never get very far. 

12 June 2014

what i'll miss // what i'll remember

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I'll miss lunches in the hallways. The hallway itself has changed every year, but it's always the same. Our backs against the lockers, our feet tangled together, we sit and talk as long as we can, until the bell rings and signals the end of our socializing, and the beginning of a class. We stand up, dust off our legs, go to our lockers, grab our things, and head to class. But those lunches in the hallways? They were full of laughter. Always. And those forty odd minutes of socializing between classes? They were good.

I'll miss the way the students flood into the halls like a dam that's just been broken. The second the bell rings, doors are opened and kids flood the halls within seconds.

I'll miss the way the windows howled in the fall, the cool air that seeped through them in the winter, the pitter-patter of rain a constant background noise in the spring, and the warm, muggy air in the summer.

I'll miss the social events every weekend, the group messages full of invites in my inbox. A barbecue at Julia's, a movie night or bonfire at Kelsie's, dinner at our favourite restaurants, trips to the mountain, trips to the beach, coffee dates, ice cream dates, parties, camping trips, I'll miss all of it.


I'll remember that one Friday night, just after the first semester had finished. A good amount of my favourite people were all in one place, huddling around the fire that took us over an hour to start. The wood was wet, and the ground had a layer of frost over it, but we threw more and more of our old homework onto the flames until the wood finally gave in and slowly turned to embers. An hour in, Marshal brought out the guitar. He sang and played some of his original music, then each of us started to make requests -- Skinny Love, The A Team, Down in the Valley, Rivers and Roads -- and all sang along as we looked between the crackling fire, each other, and the stars. After a couple more hours, it started to get cold and Kelsie disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a pile of blankets. It was probably somewhere around four hours in when people started to leave and we put the fire out to go inside. I remember spending a good part of that night thinking, "this is what I want to remember, this is what grad year is all about".

I'll remember the mini-party at my house the weekend my parents were in Hawaii. The jello shots I arranged into patterns and the snow on the ground outside. I'll remember gathering everyone and posing for pictures on the couch and using the last four polaroid pictures in the pack within the span of two minutes because that night seemed worthy of it. I'll remember Tatum making Mr. Noodles for everyone and the moment the toque fell in the toilet, and the mess I had to clean up the next day.

I'll remember prom night. The dancing, the socializing, the smiling, all of the compliments and complimenting and the abundance of pictures. I'll remember the after party and that kiss and partying until the sun came up.  I'll remember the feeling I had the next day, a feeling of, "that couldn't have gone better".


So here's to the nights we won't remember, and the nights we'd rather forget. To the nights we drank a little too much, or put our hearts into the wrong hands. Here's to the nights we kissed the wrong boys then worried about it for days later. Here's to the nights we loved and were loved, the nights when our hearts were full of trust. Here's to the nights of walking and talking, the nights of crying and screaming, the nights of laughter. Here's to the nights we made mistakes, and to the nights we didn't. Here's to the nights we messed up in the most perfect and horrible ways. 

Here's to the nights of high school, to the nights that have done so much to define us. Here's to them, because we wouldn't change them if we could.

08 June 2014


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So prom was last night.

I've been anticipating prom day since the very beginning of the school year. Prom is a big deal around here, and it was something we were all over the moon excited to attend.

I didn't really know what to expect for the night. I had some expectations, but not many, and I can honestly say that everything was so much better and more magical than I ever could have imagined.

From photos at the waterfront, to the dinner and dancing (oh, the dancing!), to the photo booth, the candy bar, the slushie machines, and the fake casino, every little moment and detail was absolutely incredible. Not to mention the after party later that night, the most perfect prom kiss, partying until the sun came up (quite literally), and spending such a good night with such good people.

Also! I may have had the best prom date anyone could ever ask for. There is nothing better than sharing good times with good friends, and I'm so grateful to have had Tanner by my side on this special night.

Prom, you were so, so good to me. I won't be forgetting you anytime soon.