options

It's 9 o'clock on a Tuesday, and I don't know why I'm writing.

It's 9 o'clock on a Tuesday and tomorrow's 5 am wake up call already tastes bitter like coffee that's been sitting in the French press for a minute too long.

It's 9 o'clock on a Tuesday and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm going through the routine of school and work, and at the end of every day I think; am I doing this right? Is this where I'm supposed to be? Oftentimes, I don't even let my mind wander to the possibilities of what's out there because it terrifies me to think that I can change my entire career plan in a split second. But something about not opening up to those possibilities is an equally terrifying thought. 

It's 9 o'clock on a Tuesday and the misty blue evening light is flowing through my window. The weather's been altering between sunshine and rainstorms all day today, and I've never resonated with it more. 

I've found myself having to take lots of deep breaths lately. I never look forward to waking up, and I rarely get excited. I remember when emotions ran through me like a rapid river, and I hated it, but now, with every ounce of my being, I want that back. My light's burned out, I'm bitter and broken. I'm searching for happiness in every damn crevice and it's continuously winning this game of hide and seek.

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The little bit written above was written earlier this month, when I was knee dip in chemistry equations and coffee while studying for my final and desperately wishing for my first semester of college to be over. 7 week courses are not for the faint of heart, I've learned. Trying to cram 14 weeks of learning into a 7 week semester, while also trying to work enough to pay rent and buy groceries proved quite difficult, and I was left feeling drained and exhausted. 

I didn't hate my class and what I was learning, but I hated being tied down by school. Wanderlust came creeping in and I really started to question if school was right for me. I wasn't excited about the schooling I needed in order to take me to the career I had chosen, and I told myself over and over again that I would just need to get through five years of hell before getting to a place where I'd be happy. I quieted any thoughts of doubt immediately, because I finally had a plan and everyone knew about it and I was so excited to be on the right path. 

Then I read an old blog post of mine. It's called "i hope", and I wrote it the summer I went to Ireland, with hopes I had for myself and the people I loved. In it, I wrote, "But most of all, I hope that you're living the life you want to be, and that if you're not, that you can find the courage to change it into something closer resembling what it is that you'd like your life to look like." And it sorta just hit me. For so long I'd hushed those thoughts about changing my career plan, and I was miserable! Within minutes of deciding that I no longer wanted to be a nurse, I felt more calm and content than I had in a really long time.

Which brings us to now. I have some ideas of careers I'd like to research and I'm exploring my options. I'll still be going to school in the fall, since most of the classes I'm taking are prerequisites for pretty much all of the careers I'm considering, and I guess we'll see where it goes! 

Life is too short to limit your options, and I'm so glad I'm exploring mine! It's kind of scary, and I have no idea where I'll end up, but all I can hope is that it'll be right in the end.

this little life of mine

Oh man, it's been way too long since I've updated on this little blog of mine. Life has been pretty non-stop lately, and I just haven't been able to find the time or motivation to write here. 

2016 started off pretty dang rough, to be honest. I rang in the new year laying in bed with the worst head cold I've had in years, feeling sad and lonely, and the next few months sort of followed suit. I was sick more in the first three months of this year than I have been in the last five years combined, and it was really bringing me down. 

The sickness, combined with having a couple of falling outs with close friends, brought on one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever experienced, and I spent entirely way too long being too depressed to function. It was hella rough, but things are looking up now and I'm so determined to make the rest of this year fantastic.

During the chaos of friendships falling apart and life being too much, I made the impulse decision to move to Victoria so Madi and I could move in together. It was a "we'll plan for it and see what happens" sort of thing, but now it's all happening and everything's coming together so perfectly that I just know that this is where I'm meant to be. 

Madi and I move into our own place on the 1st. It's small, cute, clean, and in a really nice area. The hunt for a house was kinda the worst thing ever, but the second we saw this place, we knew it was ours. We named it "The Blossom Park Pad", and I'm really excited to start a new routine in our own home. 

I start school on the 2nd. I applied to VIU and Camosun way back in January, before I decided whether I'd stay in Nanaimo or come to Victoria, and got accepted to both. 

I'll be upgrading from now until December, then I'll probably take some first year courses next spring semester before hopefully getting into a nursing program for September 2017. It's weird thinking that far ahead, so I'm just gonna focus on this semester and play it by ear. 

I also start a nannying job on the 2nd! It's for a really nice family with a little two year old boy. I'll be watching him every Monday-Thursday before class, and I'm excited for a laid-back job. I'm just not quite ready to get back into the working world, so this will be a nice transition. 

It's always interesting moving to a new place where you don't know too many people. Going from having a list of people to hangout with at all times to depending on your one friend in town has been kind of interesting, but I've already met quite a number of new people and I'm sure I'll meet many more when I'm in school, too. 

This little life of mine is moving a million miles a minute, but I'm loving every second of it.

I'm gonna try my best to update on here more often, but life's only going to get crazier from here on out, so no promises. 

let it snow, let it snow, let is snoooow

We got a couple inches of snow a couple weeks ago and it was pretty much the best day ever. Living on this little temperate rainforest island on the west coast of Canada, we rarely get snow. And if we do, it doesn't last long before the rain washes it away. 

I looooove snow, so I spent a good majority of the day adventuring in it with a couple of my friends.

Maddy and I went for a little walk at the lake to take some photos. It was frozen over and covered in snow and it looked so beautiful. Later, Tanner and I went out for lunch, then on a little walk at the Bowen waterfalls, which was also super gorgeous.

I wish we had snow days more often, but I sure enjoyed it while it lasted! 

a year in review {two thousand fifteen}

Oh, 2015. What a year. Where to begin?

This year seems to have passed in the blink of an eye. It was a blur of a year, and I can hardly remember the first few months of it, but it sure was filled with lots of amazing memories.

The first few months of 2015 were mostly filled with excitement, anticipation, and preparation for mine and Madi's trip to Thailand in April. We worked hard, and planned like crazy, and it paid off with the results of a trip of a lifetime.

This summer was a sweet one. It was jam packed with work, lots of trips to the beach, lots of time with friends, a Tofino day trip, a few days spent in Vancouver, and a trip to Europe at the end of August. I also turned 19 this summer and celebrated for about two weeks straight, so that was pretty great too! 

Fall came slowly this year. In late October, we were still heading to the beach for sunsets multiple times a week, not even really realizing that summer had passed. It came slowly, but passed quickly. Before I knew it, it was winter and I was spending my free time baking Christmas goodies and watching Christmas movies. 

I don't quite know what to expect of 2016. I've been struggling with an internal battle of which path to choose for a while now, and can't seem to stick with a decision for long before juggling my options again. Either way, no matter which path I choose, it's gonna be a big year, and I'm excited to see how everything comes together. 

I'm grateful for another year of growing and changes, and I can't wait to see what 2016 has to offer! 

late night rambles

Life is a little hectic right now. I started a second job in October, and have been working 50-55 hours a week for the past month or so. In the entire month of November, I had one single day off. Somehow though, I'm still getting enough sleep every night and enough socializing with friends and family that I don't feel too overwhelmed. I actually think I'm sort of thriving from being this busy. I barely have enough time for meals and showering these days, which leaves very little time for me to over think things, which is probably good for me.

There are a lot of big changes coming in the next few months. A couple of friends and I have been toying with the idea of moving in together for a while now, and are planning to in the new year. We looked at a house today, and it made it all pretty real. 

I'm having a bit of a hard time growing up. I know it's time for me to claim my independence and move out on my own, but I'm struggling with the responsibility of it all. I'm stuck in the middle of a war between my head and my heart, and I'm having troubles committing to either side, or finding peace somewhere in the middle. My head says it's time for me to start thinking about my future, and that I should be preparing myself for school and moving out and growing up, but my heart is having a hard time letting go of my deepest desires of travelling the world and staying as young and free-spirited as I am now. 

I'm just trying to convince myself that the world will still be there to explore once I have a degree under my belt, but it's a hard pill to swallow.

Other than that, life is pretty good right now. A little confusing, a little hectic, but very, very good. 

europe on film

I've been making it a point to shoot a lot more film in the past couple of months, and I've really been enjoying the process. When I started planning my trip to Europe to visit friends this past August, I was weighing in on the idea of leaving my digital camera at home and shooting the entire trip on film. In the end, I chickened out of that idea since I'm still learning how to shoot better on film, but I didn't want to leave it behind, so I ended up bringing both cameras and alternating between the two throughout the duration of the trip! I got the couple of rolls of film I shot while I was there developed a couple of weeks ago, and just got around to scanning the prints to my computer today. All this to say, here are a few of my favourite film shots from Munich, Vienna, and Bratislava this summer!