not such a bad thing after all

I'm feeling nostalgic tonight, which is nothing new really. I've had a lot of spare time on my hands in these past few weeks, which has resulted in a whole lot of perusing old blog posts and journal entries, as well as quite the emotional ride down memory lane.

I don't quite know how to explain how I feel in times like these. I guess it would best be described as a cross between nostalgia and wanderlust, with a little something extra thrown in there too.

I'm trying to learn how to live contently during the down seasons of my life, how to be happy once the bustling days of summer have come to an end and there aren't any trips on the calendar for months to come.

I have a wandering soul, a restless heart, if you will. I don't have a hard time relaxing or spending my days leisurely every once and awhile, but it's only a matter of time before I feel the need to be out and about, exploring, and adventuring again. 

I read somewhere once that to always want to be on the move shows that there's something you're running from, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's true, but that doesn't have to mean that it's something bad, does it? Maybe the only thing I'm running from is an ordinary life, and maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. 

eighteen

I'm eighteen years old, and sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out my lefts from my rights. I'm eighteen years old, and I still don't floss my teeth sometimes, even though I know it's more important than brushing.

Sometimes I pound my fists into my pillow and scream when I cry, and sometimes I do the wrong thing and have to deal with the consequences later. Sometimes my morals go out the window, and sometimes I wonder how I'm not becoming a better person no matter how hard I'm trying to change. Sometimes I cry when I really don't need to, and sometimes I don't when I do. Sometimes I kiss the wrong boys, and sometimes I take three hour naps in the middle of the day. Sometimes I feel so happy that I can't even remember what it feels like to be sad, and sometimes I feel so sad that I think I'll never be happy again.

I'm human. I'm passionate, and alive, and messy, and wild. I do stupid things, I say stupid things, I mess up time and time again.

I'm eighteen years old and I've learned so much. I'm eighteen years old and there's still so much to learn. 

miscellaneous ramblings

I've had a hard time saying goodbye to summer this year. Partially because it's been one of the best summers of my life, but mostly because for the first time since I can remember, this summer ends not with the beginning of another school year, but with the actual changing of seasons.

Growing up is weird. It always has been and it probably always will be. 

I keep seeing photos and posts from friends who have gone away to school already, and I can't help but feel like we're living such different lives now. And while the smallest part of me wishes that I was experiencing the same things as they are, an even bigger part of me is enjoying all of this new found freedom and the realization that I can be doing absolutely anything I'd like to be doing with my life right now. We're living very different lives now, sure, but that doesn't make one version better than the other. 

Life has this strange way of never turning out like you expected it to. Moving back home has been incredible, but it's also a lot different than I expected it to be. A good majority of my friends are scattered across the country in different schools, and the ones that are still here are all busy with their new lives, just as I am with mine.

Things are different now. I guess I should have known that they would be, and I guess I sort of did, but with each passing day and every new decision, life is starting to get more and more real. Instead of discussing plans for the weekend, most of my conversations are centered around things like work, living situations, and car insurance.

I know that change is good for a person, and I know that there are so many better things ahead than the things I've left behind, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss the simple things on nights like tonight when the "real world" leaves me feeling lost and confused.